I’m an observer. In my early years of growing up I was usually quiet. I would watch my mother in just about everything she did especially her interaction with men. As I watched, I saw who she was and what she did. I watched her body language, expressions, and tone of voice. I had no idea what it took to survive. I was caught up in what I saw in an attempt to understand what was going on. My father was gone and she was trying to make things work with four sons and a limited income.
A mother is self- sacrificing of her own well being to take care of her children and my mother was no different. She learned that she could be and have what she needed if she could develop the interest of men to help her with her income while searching for that one special person.
Unfortunately she didn’t realize the impact of her actions as we were all watching. She was doing what she thought was best. And I was assuming many things as I watched. I could see when she was real, and when she wasn’t. The men she was involved with did not seem to notice her shifts. In my youth this became my assumption in doubt, and the set up for my fear of women. I didn’t know what my fear of women was until I started writing. And part way through this book (The Best kept secret is “You” A journey into the rabbit hole with Autism and Love) my writing seemed to stop and the book sat for about three weeks. I discovered that I had not gone far enough back into my past. So deeper I went and as I wrote I discovered my fear was based in the assumption that all women were the same as my mother and I could not trust what I heard or saw.
What I also discovered was my mother had assumed all women were the same as her. This led her into not trusting our wives or girlfriends or any women we became involved with. She had become lost in her survival to provide for her kids. She also could not trust men as the men she became involved with were married men, had girlfriends, or were involved with others. It was in this, that she thought no one was real. Her mind was now leading her into a fear of everyone. The fear she was now experiencing, was like a fantasy of evil all around her and she could not escape.
Her critic in self-judgment had become huge. She was judging everything from her past as wrong. Living in her guilt now, she felt as though someone or some group was going to pay her back. She didn’t like herself, and no one else could, because of how she thought of herself. She had not lost her mind it was the reverse; she had allowed her mind to create her reality to the point where she didn’t know what was real or what was an illusion. Her mind was now creating a nightmare of assumptions; of people’s words, their body language, and a fear that no one was real.
In her final years she traveled around in her car, living in it, running from everyone. She did not know she was running from her own minds creation and she did not know that a thought is not real, until we act or respond to that thought! My Mother is no longer with us, and she did teach me a lot just by being who she thought and assumed she had to be.
What we assume in our own judgment becomes our reality. We do have a choice, if we know what the choices are.
Daniel James Wilson
I’m an observer. In my early years of growing up I was usually quiet. I would watch my mother in just about everything she did especially her interaction with men. As I watched, I saw who she was and what she did. I watched her body language, expressions, and tone of voice. I had no idea what it took to survive. I was caught up in what I saw in an attempt to understand what was going on. My father was gone and she was trying to make things work with four sons and a limited income.
A mother is self- sacrificing of her own well being to take care of her children and my mother was no different. She learned that she could be and have what she needed if she could develop the interest of men to help her with her income while searching for that one special person.
Unfortunately she didn’t realize the impact of her actions as we were all watching. She was doing what she thought was best. And I was assuming many things as I watched. I could see when she was real, and when she wasn’t. The men she was involved with did not seem to notice her shifts. In my youth this became my assumption in doubt, and the set up for my fear of women. I didn’t know what my fear of women was until I started writing. And part way through this book (The Best kept secret is “You” A journey into the rabbit hole with Autism and Love) my writing seemed to stop and the book sat for about three weeks. I discovered that I had not gone far enough back into my past. So deeper I went and as I wrote I discovered my fear was based in the assumption that all women were the same as my mother and I could not trust what I heard or saw.
What I also discovered was my mother had assumed all women were the same as her. This led her into not trusting our wives or girlfriends or any women we became involved with. She had become lost in her survival to provide for her kids. She also could not trust men as the men she became involved with were married men, had girlfriends, or were involved with others. It was in this, that she thought no one was real. Her mind was now leading her into a fear of everyone. The fear she was now experiencing, was like a fantasy of evil all around her and she could not escape.
Her critic in self-judgment had become huge. She was judging everything from her past as wrong. Living in her guilt now, she felt as though someone or some group was going to pay her back. She didn’t like herself, and no one else could, because of how she thought of herself. She had not lost her mind it was the reverse; she had allowed her mind to create her reality to the point where she didn’t know what was real or what was an illusion. Her mind was now creating a nightmare of assumptions; of people’s words, their body language, and a fear that no one was real.
In her final years she traveled around in her car, living in it, running from everyone. She did not know she was running from her own minds creation and she did not know that a thought is not real, until we act or respond to that thought! My Mother is no longer with us, and she did teach me a lot just by being who she thought and assumed she had to be.
What we assume in our own judgment becomes our reality. We do have a choice, if we know what the choices are.
Daniel James Wilson